My Heart For You

Inside me I have so much stuff. I have passion, knowledge, punchlines, jokes, wisdom, an extensive vocabulary, conviction, laughter, and a strong burning desire to share all those things with you.

Why do I feel compelled to do this?

Mainly because I know how bad music on the radio really is.  They talk about shallow, destructive things that don't really help anyone. But they're so dang catchy most people don't even know what they're listening to because it sounds so sweet.

If you didn't know, I make Hip Hop/Rap music. I also sing in English and Spanish. I want to make wonderful, beautiful, strong, clever music that edifies, encourages and supports you.

Here's the thing.

While I MAY have somewhere to record, and I can find time to write, what I'm missing is a key piece. I need beats.  I don't have the time or capabilities to sit down for hours at a time and dig through samples to make beats.  Even if I did, most of the time when I make beats I can't ever really write to them.

That said, beats/instrumentals are a key piece to making music.  I'd either need to find someone to help me get quality beats to rhyme on, or get a little help in being able to buy beats.  I've gotten good beats for as little as 150$. Believe me, that is cheap when it comes to beats.

I'm not asking for anyone to buy a beat for me. Unless you want to. ;)

What I AM asking for is help. Monetary help? Pretty much. I'm basically a bum on the corner asking everyone who reads this for a couple bucks for a beer...I mean cup of coffee...I mean beat.  I wouldn't use any money given to me for anything but making music.  How do you know that I'm telling the truth?

It takes a good deal of strength to put something, like this, that a normal person would think is humiliating, on the internet.

Welp, that's bout it. I want to make good music for you and I'm asking for help.

I'm saying I need your help.

Here's a sample. I made this beat a while back, and I got Playdough and ManChild on the track. Two AWESOME MCs. I'm not expecting to make money or get famous from my music. I just want to make it for you.



Ready to rock,

dumbstruck
the big dummie
dumbstruck.bandcamp.com

Is it Real, Though?

I know, it's been a while…but hey, that's life, right?

So, about a year and a half ago as some of you may recall, the fellowship my family and I were attending decided that they were going to go in a direction, that after much prayer and consideration, I didn't feel called to take my family into.  They were trying to get the whole fellowship to concentrate their presence into one area and were going to not gather the entire congregation any more.  They were then switching to home churches.  This would have called for me to sell or rent my house and relocate my family to another area.  Not that, for the sake of the gospel, I wouldn't do something like that. On the contrary, I couldn't move my family because I am convicted and convinced that this is precisely where God wants us to be for the foreseeable future.  Also, unable to find somewhere to rent within our price range that would be suitable for my family, it would have been an unwise choice for me as a husband, a  father, and a steward of what God has given us to make.

That said, there was also other information that was used against me, which really had little bearing on our walk as a family, my walk as a man, or the impact the gospel has had on our lives.  Was what I did wrong? Yes. But was it grounds for excommunicating me and my family? Probably not.  Yes, I still struggle with things of the flesh.  Yes, my speech is not always edifying or right. Yes, I still lust. Yes, I still fight to keep my own mind every day.

But you know what?

I'm fighting.

I'm trying every day to be a better man of God. I'm trying and praying to be a better man for my boys, for my wife, for myself, and most importantly, for the glory of the God that gives me mercy, grace and love every day.  It took some time to fight bitterness from growing in my heart.  It took love and encouragement from God's children to stifle those seeds from taking root and flourishing into hate and spite and spewing venom about all those people that were just able to so quickly turn their backs on someone they had supposedly considered family just days prior.

After the Lord gave us a great fellowship of believers here in our own neighborhood, the ONE true friend I have that still attended our old fellowship informed me that they were going back to the way they did things before my family and I left. The reasons they have for returning to this way are varied, and I only pray God's best for them.  I have always only ever loved them and wished God's blessings for them.  I don't even know if they know that.  If they knew us, they'd know it's true.

The purpose of this post is not to say I was right or anything the like.  The purpose of this post is to ask, if someone is truly part of The Family of God, like you say they are, how is it so easy to just "excommunicate" someone after they've committed what you consider a grievous enough sin?  How could you just have gone so cold so quickly towards me and my family?  How could you turn your backs so abruptly on our sister?  Were our sins so grave that they brought utter shame to Christ's name? Were our sins so severe that we're now living lives that have no evidence of God's grace or love or mercy?

I would be hard pressed to say yes.  God's love, forgiveness, grace, and mercy are still ever present in our lives.  Having been through the emotions that my beloved sister is now going through, my Mrs and I have been talking with her and praying for her.  I don't know if you'll read this, but I write it to encourage everyone out there that God's grace and love are bigger than any failure we've suffered or felt we've had imposed on us.  Our God's love and forgiveness is more massive than us failing to walk on the path the way that you've instructed us to do so.

We deeply appreciated your community, relationship, love, and friendship. So, I ask…in the end, was it real?

The Bicycle Diaries (8 Years)

Our beginning was anything but lovely.  She couldn't stand me and I didn't even know she existed the first time we met.  Didn't even know anything about anything until April 5th 2005.  Its been 8 years. It hasn't been perfect.  It hasn't been easy.  But it has been filled with Christ's grace, forgiveness, and babies.

This won't be a long post.  Its a post to be thankful for the bride God gave me.  It's a testament to how much bigger God is than our knowledge, sense of justice, and imperfections.  It's a testament to how God builds families and we just get the great privilege to live in them. 

God is the one that's made this possible.  Not my beautiful, wonderful, broken wife.  And most certainly not me.  You know me.  I am far from perfect.  God heals and strengthens.  God binds and covers.  God has made our relationship and our love deeper.  And Lord, thank you.

Rapper's Legacy

In my short time on Twitter, I've seen a different side to social media. Just like with Facebook, there's a very fine edge that you've got to make sure you're aware of.  Investing yourself too much can happen too easily.  But, that is not the point of this post.  This post is dedicated to talking about what I've seen in the lives of many of the rappers I follow.

Some of them I've appreciated for a long time.  Some of them I've only started following because other rappers I follow follow them.  Re-read that if you have to get it...hahaha. I had to type it really slow after thinking it through twice and thrice.  The thing about these rappers is that they've shared an aspect of their lives that I hadn't really thought about.

They have children.

Royce the 5' 9", Sean Mandela, Dres, Illus, Playdough, Manchild, Eminem, (I don't follow any of the next rappers, but they have kids) Nelly, TI, The Game, and many others that I can't recall.  I've seen some of them tweet/talk about their kids.  I've read about how they love their kids.  I've read about how they're gonna discipline their kids, and what shows their kids love, and how much they enjoy parenthood even though it's a challenge.

Why do I bring up rappers and their kids? Because, they know what its like to have children.  They know what its like to love their kids and to sacrifice for them and to have to discipline them.  They want good things for their kids.  They want to give their kids good things and teach them good things.

They want to leave their kids a legacy.

So what?  They're probably all well off and capable of ensuring their children are provided for, right?  Well, that has very little to do with actually leaving their children a legacy.  Some of them (SEE: Just About All Of Them) make music with lyrics that talk about drugs, or violence, or sex with whores.  Some of their music, while displaying their gift, speaks in unedifying ways about life and the things we do.  Granted, some of those things are just a part of many of our lives in this sinful world, but glorifying it is no legacy that any parent that truly loves their children wants.

We want our children to be able to follow our example.  We want to be unashamed to tell our children that we walked in goodness and in love.  While I know, for the most part, that most of their lyrics are just to showcase their talents, to a listener who has no context, they are ridiculous, violent, destructive, venomous songs.

Royce the 5' 9" is a recovered/recovering alcoholic.  He did it for many reasons, but he sees how much it means to be sober and straight for his children.  He can see clearly how much more meaningful life is and how he can enjoy his family all the more without constantly being clouded.  He can more clearly see what it means to be a man of example for his children to follow.

With that said, what is your legacy?  Are you leaving a legacy that you won't be ashamed of for your children?  Are you living a life that is filled with goodness, grace, mercy, truth, strength, justice, and love?  If you're not, and you're still reading, only Christ can help you have a legacy that can change you and your family, and community, for generations.  A life and legacy for Christ is one that we can all be unashamed of.  It's not easy, because as much as I want to and am trying, I fail.  But, God is good and forgives me, and my children see that and see my walk.  They know that I love them and strive to be a strong man for them and for God.

Make sure your legacy is more than stale morals and money.  Give your kids more than you could ever afford.

How do we Pray for Professional Athletes?

The last couple weeks that I've been watching my San Francisco 49ers go through the playoffs, I've come to a point where I think to myself, "I'm going to pray for them."  And then, I hit the proverbial wall.  What am I going to pray for? That they win?  Though God knows who is going to win, what help is it to anyone anywhere if I pray for something so selfish and seemingly stupid?

I'd been wrestling with how professional athletes walk in faith and how they can be a witness on the field.  I've kind of come to the conclusion that while they're doing their job on the field, not much other than a prayer for protection from injury would seem rather vane.  Ultimately though, if athletes are believers, the true testing of their faith, when it comes to their job, is when they walk off the field.  Or, in some cases, when they are carried, carted, or walked off the field.

When an athlete fails in his position, he can despair.  Even more so if he or she feels like the team lost because of their failure.  If an athlete does well, but feels like they're looked over because other people seemed to have performed that much better, that may plant a seed of bitterness or resentment in their heart.  If an athlete suffers an injury that ends their season, or worse, their career, they may feel great loss and despair.  If an athlete does well in their position, they could possibly become prideful.  Again, even more so if their team wins and the win can in any way be attributed to their performance. 

All of these things are struggles that we as people face, but professional athletes so much more because of how people idolize them and the pressure placed on them by their families, their teammates and the coaching staff/management.  The pressure of expectation of performance, the allure of celebrity, and yes, even a professional athlete's desire to be recognized and appreciated, can all lead to sin.  And this is how we can pray for them.

We can pray that God would console them when they are injured, regardless of whether or not they will be able to play any more.  That He would show them that He is the true comforter of their hearts.  We can pray that when they fail, that they not feel despair at their own failure, but feel loved and more than conquerors, regardless of the email or tweets they receive saying otherwise.  We can pray that the Lord give them humble hearts so that celebrity and the short-lived flash of this life not capture their hearts and destroy them from within.  We can pray that the Lord use their position to shine, instead of allowing lust and vanity to consume their thoughts and actions.  We can pray that they find their accomplishment and recognition in God instead of the questions of press and the adoration of their fans.

To some degree, we all face these things, so really, in the end, we should be praying for each other in all of these aspects as well.  Because all of our hearts face these situations and we should not lose sight of God's loving truth.  Even if our job is to make it to the SuperBowl...or not.

The Words of our Mouth Versus the Words of our Heart

Some of you may have seen this on my Twitter:

#Thingsyouproblydidntknowaboutme "Fuck" is one of my favorite words.
— Johnny Crash (@dumbstruckMC) January 19, 2013

And it got me to thinking about the implications that that might have to some of my friends and people in general that don't know me very well.  My previous post is pretty heavy with words that some would consider "bad, cussing, or curse words."  As this is a topic that I've had on my mind and in my heart for a good while, I figured that this was as good a time as any to talk about our words.

The words that come out of our mouths tend to define who we are.  What we say, to who we say it, and how we say it all form the personality that a person or people know of us.  There's accents, regional sayings, slang, and so many other things that can be taken into consideration when it comes to speech and communication.  Some people believe that certain words should or shouldn't be said.  But, when it comes down to it, what is a good word?  And what, if any, is a bad word?

Think about this situation. You're minding your own business sitting at a table, reading your book.  A family member sits down in your proximity and puts down a glass of juice and knocks it over...on to your book and into your lap.  Your good time, interrupted, triggers a reflex reaction in your mind.  Angry, you proclaim, "What is your FREAKING problem?!"

Did you say a "bad" word? Did you REALLY cuss? No.  But in your heart, that "freaking" was just as efficient as a "fucking."  The word that came out of your mouth was "cleaner," but the intention in your heart was all the same.  Does it "sound" better?  I suppose one could say that it does.  In the end, the intention and emotion in your heart was the same, regardless of the words that came out of your mouth.

As a people, our words are supposed to be loving, filled with grace, edifying, and wise.  What does this mean?  It means that regardless of your situation, you should have your head and heart in check and always choose your words wisely and prayerfully.  Are there situations where using words like "shit and asshole and fuck" might help someone on their level to understand the gravity of their situation?  Absolutely.  A preacher in a three piece suit is not going to get very far in Southeast San Diego.  And with that said, you have to know who you're talking to, and really rely on the Spirit to give you the words and move in your heart.  By no means would I or should we use those words in every situation, but they most definitely have their time and place.  Whether you use those words or not, your heart and your intention are what matter and normally are conveyed, felt, and clear to the listener.

I don't always use these words in every day life.  I have groups of people who I know are offended by them who never hear them come out of my mouth.  I also have groups of people who I know that know that my use of these words in no way affects my walk with Christ.  I don't wish to offend anyone with my words.  And that should be the case, regardless of our situation.  Whether we're reacting to an adverse condition, or trying to preach the gospel, we should be mindful of our words and the intention of our hearts.

Just because you're not "cussing" does not mean you're not saying "bad words."

A$AP ROCKY - Long Live A$AP

I don't normally do this, but this is both a response to the Director of Music for a radio station in San Jose and a review of an album I recently heard.  Granted, it's not going to be an in-depth review, because I won't have listened to it more than once when I write this.

Driving on my way to work today, I was listening to A$AP Rocky's latest album, "Long Live A$AP." From some of the people I follow on Twitter, it was supposed to have been a great album.  This is not the case.  I listened to half of it on the way to work and the other half on the way back home.  Looking back on it, I'm glad that that was how it worked out.  The album, while ranging from decent to solid on production, is largely dark and completely lacking in any kind of quality that isn't talking about niggas, riding with his niggas, riding on some niggas, fuck those other niggas, Lambos, Raris, whores, bitches, pseudo-religious statements in which he compares himself to God or Christ, weed, and niggas.  It left me quite drained and put a strain on my spirit that I don't normally feel from good music.  His songs and lyrics are in no way edifying, and are rarely clever.  I will probably never listen to him, or that album ever again.

Now, you may say, "this is just my taste in music," right?  That is where every bit of my mind, body and soul disagree.  Even if I wasn't a Christian, I could not enjoy such destructive and senseless music.  I pointed out to The Alchemist how I felt about the first half of the album I heard, and SJ Radio came back and answered.  I answered back and then he came back with the following Tweets:

"if u don't like pmw ... U don't like ASAP n q ... Cuz it's their signature just like hands on the wheel or brand new guy that's how those two get down ... And pmw is dope ... One of The top 5 cuts on the record the fact that u are sayin ASAP isn't hip hop or is hip hop... Makes u seem hella sus ... Quit classifying shit n do u listen to wat u like n disregard the other ish ... No need to Go into what is and isn't hip hop ... That's just idiotic " 

To which I say, What, precisely, is his and their signature? Garbage raps about guns, drugs, cars, and fucking whores?   And how, exactly, is a song titled, PMW (All I Really Need) and the PMW stands for Pussy, Money, Weed a great song?  How can anyone with a shred of reason or compassion for people be able to title a song Pussy, Money, Weed?  And then, well, the lyrics are of a caliber that suits the title.  And, if I used the loosest standards by which I judge music, there is by no means "5 dope cuts" on that entire album.  He's lucky if there's 2.  And, I concede, I should not have said he was hiphop...because not all rap is hiphop.

One of the lines that bothers me the most is "Quit classifying shit n do u." Do me?  What does that mean? Pay no attention to what is out there and try to help my people and anyone else that might listen to try to shield them from these garbage raps?  Bury my head in the sand and not TRY to find good music and the behest of people who I respect in HipHop and Rap?  So, in this case, they're telling me to be close-minded and just continue on my merry way?  Continue on my merry way and let people just fall into the pit of garbage raps that people like A$AP and 2chainz and Rick Ross perpetuate to capitalize on the feeble minds and desires of the poor souls that have no real direction?  That would mean that I hate those people.  And I don't.  My heart breaks for them and I would love to see them do better than the horrible lyrics that are contained in A$AP's album.  To see that that is no way to live their lives.  To see that that is not even close to an example of good music.  To see garbage for garbage and run from it.  Do me, SJ Radio?  I don't think so.

Your words are as ignorant as your grasp of music.  Pump garbage that's considered "hot."  It is called "hot garbage" for a reason.  Just because it's hot does not mean that it's dope.  Keep your selfish, self-serving words for someone with no vision.  As for me, I love HipHop and Rap...but I don't put up with garbage.

Man Law: Laws for Men

1. Thou shalt not fight naked.
2. Chuck Norris.
3. You don't talk about Fight Club.
4.  The men's room is a safe haven for bodily functions. At NO TIME will you speak to your wife about what you heard.
5. There is no circumstance under which a man admitting to liking mani/pedis is acceptable.
6. Manscaping is an art that is never to be talked about.
7. It is not permissible for a man to hold a purse for a woman for more minutes than the woman scores on the classic 1-10 hotness scale. She brought it, she carries it.
8.  Unless you were having a conversation going IN to the bathroom there is no talking allowed. Unless it's at the sink, about sports
 9. The Law of the Locker Room:

• Talking is allowed
• Eye contact that is initiated AFTER entering the locker room is not
• Looking around is not.  It does not matter if you think someone is or isn't paying attention or engaged in your conversation.  If they are, they will respond.  Otherwise, shut up
• All conversations had in a locker room are open to any man present

10.  A man is not allowed to hide beer.  If you're not going to share it with everyone, don't invite those people.
11.  Beer is not wine. Do not talk about it as such.
12.  A man has the right to stock the beer of his choice in his refrigerator.

No complaining about another man’s choice of beer is permitted. This is inclusive of the man’s choice in bottles, kegs or cans.
Exceptions:

• Complaining is accepted and encouraged if the said beer is not served at a proper temperatures:
  
  • Serve fruit beers at 40-50° F.
  • Serve wheat beers and pale lagers at 45-50° F.
  • Serve pale ales and amber or dark lagers at 50-55° F.
  • Serve strong ales, such as barley wines and Belgian ales, at 50-55° F.
  • Serve dark ales, including porters and stouts, at 55-60° F.

13.  In a business setting a handshake, 2 shakes max, is an acceptable greeting for greeting another man. Outside of the business world, one of the two following nods is sufficient:

• When greeting a friend or buddy, use an upward nod of the head to signify familiarity and casualness.
• When greeting any other fellow man, use a downward nod to signify the unspoken man code, and the refusal of any form of challenge.

14. Eating healthy is Man Law. BUT, you are not allowed to:

• Ask for a tofu or soy substitute
• Eat a salad unless it contains a piece of something that used to have a face (eg meat)

15.  A man may only go Commando if returning from something awesome. No exceptions.

16.  Grilling is the manly choice for all forms of cooking. Anything can be grilled. Even soup.

17.  While a man can call another man ugly, a man may never say another man is handsome.
18.  If there's 3 urinals, don't take the center urinal.
19.  If there ARE 3 urinals and the left one is taken, take the farthest urinal...even if its a tiny urinal.
20.  There is no singing in the bathroom. You can hum GENTLY, almost unintelligibly, at the urinal, but that is it. No whistling 
21.  Never gamble on a fart. If at all possible, wait till inside the safe confines of the men's room.(see Man Law 4)
22.  A man may say, "Nice kicks." A man may NOT say, "I love your shoes!"
23.  A man is to stomp out all uninvited insects, pests, and rodents in his house, only when requested by his woman.  Only exception that can be stomped at will: anything poisonous
24.  Look in your closet. Those are all a man's pants.  Act as such when you put them on.
25.  Whenever possible, kill the meat you cook. And by cook, of course I mean grill.
26.  Instructions manuals are never to be used.  If you can't figure it out, call a buddy.
27.  Use a GPS only when necessary and only when with your woman.
28.  Never make eye contact with anyone else when eating a banana.
29.  Men have 9 colors: Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Purple, Black, White, and Grey.  The only other color authorized is Gray.
30. You shall not directly talk about, or suggest talking about, men's depilatory habits.
31.  You don't talk about Fight Club.

Feel free to add whichever one's I might have missed.

The Beauty and Blessing That is Woman: The Beginning

**This is a blog series that I'm writing in tandem with a good friend, Ronel Sidney.  I really think that the Lord gave us this purpose, to come together and write something to build and bless and share His knowledge and wisdom.  I want to pray through and bless you with as much of God's word as I can.**

With that said, my start will be...at the beginning.  Or at least within a couple days of the beginning.

Genesis 2:18-23 (ESV) The verses will be in blue, and my commentary will be in black. Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." Read what it says.  It says that God saw man's need for a "helper fit for him."  It doesn't say a servant that was inferior to him.  It doesn't say a slave who would do everything he said.  It says a "helper fit for him."  It's clearly pointing out that man needed someone to walk with him, to help him in life, and to love him.  Now out of the ground the LORD God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. Here we see some of the work the man had done before Eve was made.  He was naming all of the creatures.  Also, it's pointing out that everything, including man, was made "from the earth."  But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him.  Despite all his work, and looking, Adam could not find a "helper fit for him."  He could not find the companionship or help that his soul needed.  He could not find the help and love that the Lord knew he required.  So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Really, God anesthetized Adam, took a rib out, and made Eve.  It was from man, that God made woman.  It seems only fitting that one of Adam's ribs was used.  I'm sure some of us have heard some of the reasons God used a rib:

1. God did not use a piece of his skull so that woman would not believe herself to be above her man
2. God did not use one of his toes so that man would not believe himself above his woman
3. God used a rib because it was on Adams side, where Eve was to walk with him...right next to him
4. God used a rib because Adam was meant to keep Eve safe, under his arms
5. God used a rib because it was near to Adam's heart

These are wonderful reasons our God did things the way He did.  The deliberate and intentional love contained in just creation itself reveals a lot about the relationship between man and woman.  Man and woman are to work together, walk together, love each other, and be one flesh.  How can the right hand do good work without the left hand?  Can the right hand hate the left hand?  No.  And as such, man and woman are to work together, under the Lord, for His glory.

With that said, while we walk together, our jobs and callings will be different.  God, in His sovereignty, has seen fit to hold man ultimately accountable for his family and their spiritual shepherding.  This does not mean that the woman plays no part, but simply that God will hold the man ultimately accountable in the end.

Look at what happened in Genesis 3.  Woman is deceived into eating from the forbidden tree.  And the Bible says that she just turned around and gave some to Adam and he ate.  And they saw they were naked, and sewed fig leaves together.  Then they heard God walking through the Garden in the cool of the day.  Imagine how ashamed and afraid of their loving Creator they had to be, to hide on such a perfect and wonderful day.  And then God calls out to the man.  They have a discussion.  God brings His discipline and judgement, with a promise of the Messiah.  

But, in the end, He held Adam accountable for what his wife had done.  Adam tried to pass the buck, but God wasn't having it.  God made it clear that Adam should have shepherded and guarded his bride's heart against the serpent.  Regardless of who sinned first, the judgement was heaviest on the man.  God may have multiplied Eve's pain in childbirth, but God cursed the earth because of Adam.  God said in Genesis 3:17-19"...cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life; thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return."  

No matter how man and woman were called to walk together, man was held in judgement for his wife's actions and his lack of action.  This is how God said it is to be.  Some people, men and women, might take issue with this.  They might call God "unfair" or "unjust."  Who are we to say that our almighty God is unfair and unjust in how He has planned out for things to be?  We are to live according to His purpose and rest in His sovereignty.  Does this mean that God does not make exceptions? No.  He absolutely has.  But His plan and intention has never changed.

In part 2, I will address some of those women that God chose and the Proverbs 31 woman.  I pray that this has been a good beginning to us finding ourselves not in what we believe is our identity and our sense of justice, but in God's grace, power, and love.

You got your FaceSpace, and your MyFace, and your Tweetr...

I love social media.  I get to interact with friends and family who are far away.  I get to express my opinion across the vast nothingness that is the internet so that others might find out where to eat, who to listen to or what to do when your friend is on fire.  I love the opportunities presented by having social media.  But there is at least one thing that makes me...I think it's sad, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Most of the time, I love reading what people stream across the internet.  I love seeing pictures of my friends that don't live close to me right now.  I hate seeing only their pictures and reading their words, but at least I get to still see a little part of their lives.  I love to read the genuinely funny things that some of the people I follow on Twitter say.  I love seeing how much of a passion Evidence (one of the MCs from Dilated Peoples) has for beautiful photography. I love keeping up with my Niners. Red and Gold!  I love the insight and wisdom that brothers like Pastor Mark give. I love I love interacting, even if nothing ever get's said back to me.

But, this is where the struggle comes in.  There is a side to social media that is ugly and swallows up peoples lives.  They seek satisfaction on unhealthy levels through it.  They beg and plead for people they follow to retweet what they say because "they're a huge fan" or because it's their/mom's/kid's/dad's/dog's birthday.  They ask and beg for people to follow them.  They say things that they wouldn't say in public.  Those things make it quite obvious that they are desperate.  Desperate for what?  Fulfillment.  They seek to have affirmation and to feel like they matter.  They feel like the people/celebrities they follow are the only people that they can draw this from.

I won't lie.  Sometimes my heart starts to think like that.  I wish that one of the "celebrities" that I follow would respond to me, make me feel like I'm a "real person," do something that would validate my action.  But you know, my heart is quickly called back to the truth.  My life, my heart, and my identity are not found in what I tweet or what I put on my Facebook.  My life, my heart, my identity, my validation and my worth are all found in Christ.  Again, I'm not perfect...and sometimes I start to wish that someone on one of those social platforms would "pay attention" to me and say..."GREAT JOB, JUAN!"

But you know what? God is so much more loving, attentive and caring than any of those "celebrities" or people could ever be.  His love and grace are so deep and reach far passed any place any validation by an athlete or musician could bring.  The elation of a retweet wears off rather quickly.  The love of our Father endures and strengthens and calls us back.  We can't and shouldn't look to anyone on Twitter or Facebook or anywhere else to make us feel alive.  Our life should be a reflection of God's immense love and grace that fills every single bit of our lives till it overflows!

One of the MANY verses that speaks of God's changing and sustaining power and love. Matthew 5:16

In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

Where is God?

For a long time now, I've had this brewing, and with yesterday's tragedy, it just brought it all to a head, in my head.  Please please please read it all the way through.  If it doesn't seem to make sense, and you get angry, just read it all the way through so you can REALLY hate me.  But know that God loves you regardless.

• 5 million children a year die from hunger and malnutrition, around the world
• Hundreds of thousands of women, children and men are raped every year
• Women, children and men are sold in to sexual slavery around the world to be exploited till they are either too old, sick with disease, or dead
• Men, women, and children are killed and their organs harvested and sold on the black market
• Over 12 million babies have been aborted since the turn of the century
• There was a murder every 36 minutes, in 2011, in the United states
• Of those murders, 8,552 were committed with a gun of some kind
• Of THOSE murders, 1,220 were committed in the state of California
• A large majority of the world lives at or beneath the poverty line (Israel's poverty line is $7.30 per person per day)

I could run off a list of facts that would just continue to enrage or depress you, or both.  The point is, we live in a world that is overflowing with injustice, depravity, death, greed, and pollution.  Some still cry out, "Where is God?"  God has not left.  God is still sitting, waiting to be called on by His creations which He loves and seeks to redeem.  

"But if He is God, why does He allow such evil to happen?  Why would he allow His creation to suffer so much?  Why would He ALLOW children to die of hunger, rape, murder, and all the other evil things that happen every second of every day around the world?"  So many people use these questions to get angry with God.  So many people are blind to the simple truth.

God has ever been present in our lives and world, and is but a heartbeat away from producing a life-altering change within us that would transform our lives, our families, our communities, our cities, and inevitably, the world.  Change does start with one person, Christ.  Only He can change our hearts and fill them with a wonderful love for our neighbors and neighborhood.  And a neighborhood is the basis of community.  To live in community, through Christ, would radically change many things.  

1.  The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5   The darkness could not hide if we were bound in community through Christ.  What does this mean?  It means that truly perverse people with dark hard hearts would flee from the people of God to seek a safer place to do their evil deeds.  They would not be able to abide in the truth and light of God and His people.  

2.  Also, there would not be one person in the community that did not feel loved.  There are literally dozens of verses in the Bible that speak of the community of God loving one another.  With this, no one would feel depressed or alone or abandoned.  God's love brings us into community and His community is filled with love.

But, without realizing that we are poor, needy, destitute sinners that can offer God nothing but our surrender to His love, we can only stand in our pride, which is nothing but filthy rags when compared to a mighty and everlasting God.  Think about this, say you're wrong about God existing and when you die you stand before Him and say, "Well, I was a good person."  He will say to you " 'I tell you, I do not know where you come from. Depart from me, all you workers of evil!' Luke 13:27."  You can bring God NOTHING.  But even so, He still wants to bless you and me, sinners, with more than we could ever imagine.  

God wants you and me to see how much we need Him.  He wants us to turn away from our evil deeds, from our selfish ways, and to turn to Him and say, "Lord, here I am, create in me a clean heart."  He wants us to see how much change He can do in us and through us for our family, our neighbors, our city and the world to see.

Don't get angry because God doesn't step in and stamp out evil with one breath.  He most certainly could, but He doesn't.  Why?  Because He is filled with mercy and His heart breaks that everyone would know Him as Father.  Don't look to Washington, DC to solve our problems, because they are only corrupt men and women, just like us.  The change must start with us.  The change must come from Christ.

Now, you might think these the ramblings of a crazy person.  I'm ok with that.  Just know that I'm not talking about starting up our own "Christian City" where we're all safe from evil and we don't let anyone not with us in.  No, quite the contrary, I'm saying that we need to put our lives for Christ on display, right where they are, in our neighborhoods, jobs, and cities, for the world to see and feel God's love and know Him in spirit and in truth.

God has not left you friend.  He is knocking at the door of your heart.

A Response to the Curse of the American Church

So, upon reading the blog post which can be found here: The Curse of the American Church, I started thinking, "Is this the case?"  Are churches in America so concerned with success that they care more about growth than actual life together, mission, and gospelling one another?  I examined the churches I've had the blessing to be a part of, and the churches I've had the blessing to know people from, and came to the conclusion that no, not all churches in America are so concerned with growth alone that they marginally do the things that should come naturally from living a Spirit filled life.

If you've never heard the saying, "It is more important to be faithful than it is to be successful," think about what the implications of it are.  Let it roll around in your mind and heart for a bit.  Personally, it means that a "great" job that provides for your family might not be a good thing if you have to sacrifice your family to be in that good job.  My brothers and sisters in the Armed Forces, I know this applies to you because I was in your shoes.  Just because we're doing something we think is a "good" thing for our families, doesn't mean we're doing the right thing for our families.  

Corporately in the Church, this means that we can not focus on trivial things such as butts in seats.  While it is important to see that there are butts in seats, our mission and focus is not to scramble frantically to do something about filling them.  We are to live our lives out in the light of God's truth, filled with Christ's love, and lead by the Holy Spirit.  In doing these things, people will be drawn to God, not by our attempts to befriend them through a game of basketball or a meal we share, but by the presence of His Holy Spirit and His heavy and holy hand upon them.  Their spirit will thirst and seek to fulfill that thirst in the only way it knows how, by coming to church to hear His word.  The church, on fire for God, is what caused growth that is so clearly talked about and documented throughout the book of Acts.

Acts 2:47 "...And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved. "

Acts 5:14 "And more than ever believers were added to the Lord, multitudes of both men and women, "

This verse explicitly states a good caveat that is very much implied in all the other verses...

Acts 9:31 "So the church throughout all Judea and Galilee and Samaria had peace and was being built up. And walking in the fear of the Lord and in the comfort of the Holy Spirit, it multiplied."

And Acts 16:5 "So the churches were strengthened in the faith, and they increased in numbers daily."

So, while we can't and shouldn't measure "success" by growth and numbers alone, because our "success" is measured only by how we are walking, personally and corporately, with Christ, we should see growth in our churches.  Why "success" you say?  Because, "success" is never in the sights of a follower of Christ.  Following Christ is.

Through the eyes of a 7 year old boy...

I was one of the "other woman's" kids.  My mom was raising us, and she was doing the best job she could, thank God.  When I was 7, I had a vision of family.  I had a vision of marriage.  I had a vision of friendship.  I got these visions from the shows I watched when I was little.  I watched Leave it to Beaver, The Adam's Family, The Munsters, and Gilligan's Island.  They all were great models of family, friendship, and in three of the four shows, marriage.  I gathered how a man should act, what a man should say, and how he should treat his kids and wife from those shows.  I loved those shows.

Coming from a broken, but blessed, family, I looked at fatherhood and marriage and two great blessings that I was going to "do right," just like in the shows.  I wanted to have a wife and a family that I loved and took care of like the men in those shows.  I KNEW that I was going to be able to do it just like the men in those shows, to care for my wife and family and be a role model that they loved and looked up to.

But no one told me how addicting sex would be.  No one told me how weak my flesh would be.  No one told me about lust.  No one told me about how hard it would be to fight my own mind and thoughts and desires.  No one explained to me that life, REAL-IN-COLOR life, is anything but easy.  No one told me that my own mind and body would be nothing short of my own greatest enemy.

As much as I fail, though, God is good.  He forgives me and loves me and is working on me.  I'm not perfect and I do fail, as many of you have seen firsthand, but regardless of how I've failed, God has always given me another last chance.  God is good.  He is strong.  He is love.  He can mend anything that we break.  But we have to let Him.  We have to want to mend it and allow His love and forgiveness to correct and rebuild us.  It's not easy.  I will fail again, one way or another, because my flesh is still fighting against what I know is right and perfect and good.  I want so bad to do what is good, right, and perfect.  But, I am not perfect...but my God is.  So I will keep coming to Him with a broken and humble heart, asking for my Father to love me and show me once again, how to love my wife and my boys and not fail them.  I will keep trying to be that Godly man and role model that my kids want to be when they grow up.  I want to model a Godly life of love, forgiveness, and repentance for them to be able to desire the same thing I desire now.

Parlon de ma génération...

I come from a broken generation.  A generation filled with broken children who have all grown up looking for love from other broken children.  I am one of them.  I look around me and I see some of my CHRISTIAN family exhibiting just how broken we really are, as they fall apart, while still searching out the face of our Father in heaven.  I see families just crumble, for reasons that I'm not privy to, but ultimately, because we're broken.  We all want to love and to be loved and to feel like we're the most important thing in someone's life.  I know I do...at least there's a part of me that does...we search and we try and we keep going until we feel like we've found it.  But being broken, we never quite acheive it...and we can't see it.   Its not easy, at all...even me, my friends, family, and loved ones know that I'm broken.  They know that I come from a very broken background and that I'm broken to a good degree.  That my desire to be loved and wanted is a large motivating factor in decisions I've made in the past.

Does this mean that I'm not trying to serve God? No.  I want to serve Him the way He wants me to...its just that my brokeness will lead me astray if I falter in my walk with God.  And I will falter, because I am human...but I DO love my Father, and wish only to be His child, because in the end, He is the only true and pure source of love.  He truly IS the only love that satisfies and fulfills.  He is the only one that will not fail or leave us broken.

Sigh...I look around me and all I see is children who want to be loved.  Broken children of broken parents who didn't really know what they were doing.  But the greatest good that they could've done, and hopefully DID do, was pointing us to our Father who loves us more than anything in this world could ever pretend to.  My friends, we are broken...but we are not unloved.  We may feel alone, but we are not abandoned.  My heart is sad at all the brokeness I see and feel...but filled with hope at the thought that our very brokeness could bring us in fellowship with our loving Father.

There's so much more I want to say...but the words just won't come.  God help us to see Your love through our brokeness.
 My precious little boy...

To men that are married or ever desire to be married.

Most of you should already know that I consider myself a Christian.  If I've ever shown you otherwise, I ask for your forgiveness in failing to show my faith in leaning upon God for everything.  With that said, I come to encourage you and call you as men, as well as remind myself, that if you are married or ever plan to get married, that you would take these words to heart and make them a part of you and how you live.  I say this not only for the sake of our wives or your future wives, but for our sake as men as well.  Know that while I might not continually call out specific verses of the Bible, every word contained here within is a direct reflection of God's word and is in no way to  be washed down or broken up in to "just the bits you like."

First, as men, we all want to lead.  Every man has a desire to lead and lead well.  But in a marriage, a man can not simply lead.  As men, we are called to lead by example and love by example.  We are called to sacrifice for our wives and families.  We are called to sacrifice first.  To love first. To forgive first.  To repent first.  To step out in faith first.  Why?  Why should we do all these things first?  Well, first, its because Christ sacrificed Himself for us, perfectly, and calls us to do it.  But secondly, if we don't do what is hard, how will our families ever grow in love?  If you don't do the things a man should in terms of not letting anger or sin or resentment remain in your relationship, how can you expect your wife to be able to step up and follow your lead?  These words are not easy, especially when we KNOW we are right.  Being right doesn't matter.  Loving, sacrificing and leading are what matter.  Christ was right in EVERYTHING He said and did, and yet He STILL chose to go to the cross and do what was supremely hard for the sake of His love, leadership, and sacrifice.

Second, when it comes to sacrificing first, this must mean putting our desires after those of our wife.  I know that we all have things we REALLY want to do, but we must love, honor, and pursue our wives first.  They must, without a doubt, know that we love them before any other thing we want to do.  When we've had a long day, or are not feeling so hot, this is not easy to do.  This is why WE are the men...this is a burden that was put on us.  We are not without help though.  God is there for us to lean on.  Only when our wives feel loved, honored and pursued should we feel free to take on our hobbies.  Let me put this in practical terms.  Do we REALLY want to be fishing, or drawing, or doing WHATEVER it is that we love to do, KNOWING that our beloved wife is sitting somewhere resenting the fact that we haven't sat with her and talked to her, taken her out for a movie, rubbed her shoulders, or otherwise served her lovingly?  Our answer should be no.  Is it easy?  Not all the time...not when we feel like we deserve a break or like we've earned our time to do what we like to do.  But you know what, this is OUR calling as men.

When it comes to repenting and forgiving first, these are areas that we don't think about too much.  I know because when I'm arguing with my beloved bride, and I know I'm right, I tend to buckle down and not give up till she admits she's wrong.  There are very few circumstances where this is right.  And by very few I mean VERY FEW.  Who said what on some random Thursday night or who left the ice creams out to melt are not reasons to go to war with your wife.  And yet, for the sake of being right, even when we KNOW we are right, we go to war with our love.  As men, we should forgive and repent first, regardless of being right or not.  There have been times when I step out, suck it up and prayerfully forgive and repent, even when I know I'm right, and wonderful things happen.  My marriage automatically gets 73% better!  My wife and I aren't upset at each other over something trivial any more!  And sometimes, when it is something kinda big (at least in my mind), my wife will normally come back and say that she was probably the one that was wrong.  Men, if you do this, ONLY GOOD THINGS CAN COME OF IT.

Stepping out in faith first requires that you live a life of faith in God first.  If you don't then you might not find this area too interesting.  But this will speak shortly to leading our family spiritually.  As men, we are called to love and lead our wives and enrich their walk with Him as well.  This means finding a good church and doing the things necessary to build our wives' faith and walk with Christ.  This means praying for her/praying over her.  This means reading the Bible.  This means if hard decisions come up with respect to our walk, we as men are called to seek out God's will and make the decision.  This doesn't mean that we should do this without our wives, but it means that ultimately, God will hold US accountable for the spiritual leadership of our wives.

All these things go against what our minds, our oh so logical minds, tell us is right.  They go against most, if not all, of what we've been taught is fair or expected of a man.  I'm glad that you see that, or at least feel it.  I still struggle with some of these aspects, so don't think I'm speaking down to any of you.  Quite the opposite, I'm typing this out so I have a black a white reference to go back to and read some of what's expected of me as a man.   You ask, "SOME of what's expected of me as a man...?" Yes, I said some.  This is by no means a complete list of all the things a man is called to do when he loves a woman.  But its a good foothold.  I encourage you, as my friends, to love, honor and pursue your wives as Christ loved us.  And if you want to know how Christ loved us, feel free to ask me.

The Beginning

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction." --Proverbs 1:7

So...yeah...this verse sure seems pretty simple upon first glance. But its not. The concepts which it presents are preposterous to those who don't believe in God. So first of all, and very importantly, you must acknowledge and/or be aware of God's existence. He by no means demands obedience...He'll let us do what we want for our whole lives...but we must be prepared to answer for those actions when we are to be judged. God wants sons and daughters who are eager to do His will...to be loved by Him and directed in all their paths...He wants warriors, lovers, friends, truth speakers, counselors, listeners...anyone and everyone, to know His love.

BUT FIRST, we must know and feel the fear of the Lord. Now, fear isn't normally regarded as something desirable or good...but this isn't your average fear. The fear talked about in this verse isn't a cowering, crying fear as we wait for some big creepy god hidden in the skies to strike us down...or smite us if you'd prefer. ;) No, the fear spoken of here is the reverent fear a child has for their father. A father who loves them with everything he has and would do anything for his children. A father who displays that love with every breath his children take. The fear spoken of in THIS verse is respect and reverence for the Almighty Creator of the universe.

This is a fear that many people don't know...a fear that many people refuse to acknowledge because they claim that God doesn't exist. They hold their own intellect as their personal savior, rationalizing their existence through whatever means is most convenient to them so that they might stay on their earthen platform and claim their godhood. Oh, but they shall know the OTHER type of fear upon their expiration...they will know the terror of being judged by the God who created the mountains and valleys with His finger...who spoke everything into existence and made man His very own handywork.

Search your hardened hearts and know that God waits for you...as your savior through His son Jesus Christ...or as your Judge seated upon the throne which will only be looked upon with shame and regret when you go to be judged...if you can even look at it at all. Know that He wants to deliver you from the bondage you live in. You claim to be so free, yet your life is filled with the same distractions and diversions that you repeat over and over so as to forget for as long as you can that you need to be saved.

And yet, so many of you out there will just huff this off as more "religious crap," instead of the plea of a friend for you to know true love. Love that could change your life. Love that could deliver you from relying on your own limited and finite intelligence. Love that could move you to be a person that you never thought you'd be.

and thats why the verse goes, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction." Because a fool will not and can not know real knowledge...sure, a fool can learn things and claim them and cling to those few things as their saving grace, but they will never know true knowledge, much less wisdom, without God.

I love you all and hope that I can help you...if even in the slightest way!

Greater love has no one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends.John 15:13
and I would, for any of you, that you might know Christ.

Springtime Apostrophe!

Everything looks so green, so lush, so beautiful when its in bloom and growing. Its not until Summer and the harvest time comes that you see what has truly had a purpose in its beauty.

As the flowers bud and the grass grows and the fields begin to sprout, you see everything so green...so bright, so lovely. But weeds grow along side the flowers and the grass and tares next to wheat. So while yes, the beauty of so much lush greenery is breathtaking, the usefullness and purpose (or lack there of) becomes apparent and obvious only after a time.

As the summer comes and the flowers grow and bloom, and the grass grows emerald green and beautiful and the wheat bends and sways in the wind, you see the weeds grow and begin to show their twisted fruit. As they grow, they spread, trying to choke out the other plants, to take their nutrients and sunlight. They dry out and the thorns and thistles begin to harden. They are a plague to man. They get stuck in your clothes in your shoes, they bother you and you wish they never existed. Really...who really, in their hearts, wishes weeds existed?

This is to illustrate, that even in nature, God illustrates that there are creations made for honor and beauty and creations made for dishonor. Is it fair? Who are you, finite man, to say what is fair? Who are you, in your less than 2000 years of oh-so-underwhelming technological advancements and knowledge, somehow manage to find more ways to spit in the face of an Almighty God that will one day judge you? To wag your finger in the face of He who created the planets and named every star? Who are you to assume you know how to lead your life, which is like an ant that you see eek along so slowly and seemingly aimlessly? Listen to the call of He that can save you, who wishes to love you more than anyone or anything on this planet could ever hope to. The One true God whose knowledge is folly to the "itelligent" of this world. Or else, be like the weeds, that are cursed by every soul; and when the harvest comes, is cut down and thrown in the furnace to burn.

Wait a minnit...

FIRST OFF...if you read this, I love you. I absolutely do. I want nothing but the best for every single one of my friends, fb or real. Now...where was I...oooooooh yeeeeaaaah...so, I was thinking...

God's grace and mercy are vast and infinite; so much so that every one of His creations that is able to receive it may become one of His children.

Wrap your peabrains around that...it makes all knowledge ever obtained by man, everything we've ever accomplished on this gift of a planet that we've shit on, small unimportant nothing. The fact that you can recognize God is who He is and that He will love you regardless of our faults and imperfections...that's amazing.

The atheist worships his confidence in the fact that there is no God, and he is a fool. Since the beginning, "the fool says in his heart, 'There is no God'"...just look at the evidence. To chalk it all up to mere chance and evolution...ARE YOU SERIOUS?! hahaha...that's tragic comedy. God makes Himself known and evident in all His creation...its simple. And its that very same profound simplicity that makes the intelligent to stumble. But whatever, atheism is another topic for another day. I'm just trying to point out how MASSIVELY good God is and how much He really and truly wants to impact the life of everyone in the world.

But it is YOUR heart that must accept it. It is YOUR heart that must receive it. You may say, God isn't fair. Who says He has to be fair? The fact that He's chosen NOT to send ALL of us to hell instantaneously is an ENORMOUS amount grace in and of itself. The fact that He gives US a LIFETIME to find Him and get to know Him the way we should, well that's just even MORE unmerited favor AND mercy in our box. It is YOUR heart that is hard and refuses to believe in that which you can not see or justify. You bring secular attacks against the infinite God that will judge you or save you in the end. That's like an ant trying to storm the castle by itself.

If you read this, I love you. I only hope that you know the peace, joy, hope, love, grace and mercy of the one true God that seeks to save you from your own strength, which is no strength at all. He seeks to save you from the things you think you know, which is nothing. Now, this does not mean that He wants dumb, uninformed lemmings that believe what they're spoonfed. No. The Bible calls for us to be able to give an answer to any man for the reason for the hope inside us. And I want to be able to do that. He wants to make your life prosperous and blessed.

That's all my friends, loved ones, family, and acquaintances...may your life not be wasted on pride and vanity of this world. Because without God, that's all that there is out there.

Hard Days...every day.

When your spirit is troubled, which, if you're like me (and you are because you're human), is just about every day, don't worry about it. There is nothing in this world that should cause your mind or heart or spirit to be troubled. There is a place of rest that you can turn to. When the skies are dark, and you feel the pressure coming down on you...telling you that you're not worth it, or that there's nothing to look forward to, or that nothing will ever change no matter how much you fight...be still and know that you don't have to fight.

When you feel like nothing means anything any more and everyone has abandonded you, let your soul be at ease and feel peace. Know that you are loved from since before you were born. Since before you were ever a thought present in anyone's mind, you are loved. When everything falls apart and your hope has whithered away in front of you, cry and be comforted. Let all your fears and worries and stress and walls crumble under the love that wishes to elevate you from the stagnant, stale, dead air which you can't survive in.

When you scream for life, and love, and freedom...know that God will be there till you realize that He is your deliverer.

To all my beloved friends and family,

Thank you so much for all the love you showed me yesterday. It may only be the internet, but I thank you all for making me feel remembered. All the gifts I received are special to me and I love them. And now, I offer you all the greatest gift that I can possibly give any of you.

I truly do love you all, and hope you all read these words.

I am here to tell you all that I pray for you all and keep you all in my heart and thoughts. I pray you all know the love of God and come to know Him intimately. That His love may fill the emptiness that we all feel. And we ALL do have that emptiness. We try to fill it with other things...and yet nothing fills it and satisfies us. I pray that you draw near to God, and know true love and life in its fullness.

I'm not TRYING to preach, but if you feel convicted or even curious, I'm glad. I thank you all, and love you and miss your smiling faces. I pray to see you all again soon, that we might share a beer and a laugh. BUT, I only have 9 Yuengling left (THANKS NEIL AND JENNIFER!!!), so we'll have to find another beer to share!

And my heart, thank you for all your love...I thank God for you every day. I pray that we only increase in faith, and love, and that our last days together be as filled with His love as our first days together my love. I love you and thank you for every bit of love that you gave me yesterday. What I gave you was a small gift of appreciation for being the greatest gift God has placed in my life. My friend, my lover, my companion, my beloved heart. I love you.